November 6

I’m waffling a bit on the Dana Building situation.

I’m still leaning toward paying the Dana owners what I owe them. However, I don’t know if I’m truly stuck with the lease, and I don’t want to pay them if I’m not. The wild card in all of this is that I need to have an attorney look at the lease. I have to be honest; if I can get out of the lease, I will. I just don’t know what the laws are, and I need to find out before I send them a check. Once again, I have the “debtor’s dilemma”: how can I be accountable, and hold to my integrity, without shooting myself in the foot?

If I do in fact owe them money, I will pay it. I feel that’s the right thing to do, because it will open up some energy for a new person to come in, and also because I don’t like the feeling of raking them over the coals. But if I don’t actually owe them anything, because the lease is voided by their refusal to put up a sign outside the building, then giving them money would be foolish. Like most debtors, I tend to make decisions out of vagueness, basing my choices on feelings rather than facts. I need more information in order to make a good choice, and that’s where the attorney comes in. I’ll be meeting with him in a few days.

In the meantime, I did leave a message today for Susan, the tenant liaison at the Dana Building. Calling her is important, because I want to stay in touch with my creditors, and let them know what’s going on. I didn’t tell her I was looking for an attorney, obviously, but I did want to check in and let her know when she would hear from me again. This is an important part of recovery for a debtor: being clear, specific, straightforward, and as honest as possible with your creditors.

I daresay I’m getting healthier. It’s still a long road, but when I consider that I’m $25,000 less indebted than I was 13 months ago, I feel pretty good about myself. I not only have less debt, I have more integrity than I did a year ago. Much more. Just the fact that I’m being above board with Susan about when I will call again is a good sign. And, of course, the fact that I was so straightforward with Brad Delaney created the opening for a miracle to occur with American Express.

The main thing for me is not to debt, and I didn’t debt today. A day with a major breakthrough, such as I had when I finally settled with American Express the other day, is wonderful. But I can’t have days like that every day, or even most days. It’s the days like today, which are a bit more ordinary, that make the difference. Every day needs to be a day in which I don’t debt, I pay my bills, I don’t spend money I don’t have to spend, I keep in touch with my creditors, and take care of myself. If I can continue to do that, I will build a peaceful, healthy, prosperous life, and that is what I want. It is, as they say in 12-step programs, a matter of doing it “one day at a time.”