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I’m feeling grumpy tonight, and it’s the kind of mood that makes me want to spend money. I’m a particular sucker for eBay, and I used to spend a lot of money there back in the day. I would buy all kinds stuff I didn’t need, mostly baseball memorabilia, to sooth my feelings. Which is fine, except when you consider that, according to one credit counseling web site, “on average, the typical credit card purchase is 112% higher than if using cash.”[i] In other words, if you debt by spending $100 you don’t actually have, on average you’ll end up paying $112 on that process, when all is said and done.
Of course, this debt accumulates and grows over time, and lands you in hot water. But in the moment of debting, you don’t care. You’re just trying to make yourself feel better, and buying things tends to help us accomplish this, at least temporarily. The POP is very soothing, at least in the short term.
I learned this truth early: buying eases pain. And I had a lot of pain to deal with. I grew up with all kinds of stress and anxiety. My mother was mentally ill, and self-medicated through various mediums. She was an active addict throughout my life. She had experimented with heavy drugs before I was born, and both marijuana and alcohol were prominent for her in my early years. Although she stopped smoking marijuana and drinking when I was about five, compulsive overeating and addiction to pain pills took her over later in my life. She just never quite got herself together, and her vicious mood swings and need to constantly feed her addictions were very hard on me.
Although my mom could be very loving at times, and had many wonderful qualities, her instability took a huge toll on me. Later in my life, once I became a therapist, I realized that my mom had been mentally ill, and had slowly gotten worse throughout my childhood. I think my early life probably would have been a lot easier if she had realized this, and gotten help, but she didn’t. She managed pretty well in public, and I think very few people knew how bad things were at home. But they were bad, and to medicate all the feelings I had growing up with her, I learned that buying things – baseball cards, action figures, and the like – made me feel better when she was unavailable or abusive.
My dad wasn’t mentally ill, and was much more stable than my mom in every way, but his money issues made him anxious. I always looked forward to seeing him; he was very kind to me, and always very loving. About the only knock I have on my dad is that he spoiled me. Mom deprived me in many ways; partially in response to this, and partially due to a sense of deprivation from his own childhood, Dad always seemed to give me whatever I wanted.
So I had these mixed messages, and grew up alternating between a feeling of deprivation at Mom’s house (which led to pauperism, the feeling that I don’t deserve anything good), and overindulgence at Dad’s house (which led to a sense of entitlement, a feeling that I should get whatever I want, when I want it, no matter what). I know neither of my parents meant to do send me these messages, but inadvertently, they set me up perfectly to become a debtor.
At an early age, I turned to “stuff” to ease my pain, and help me soothe myself when I was upset or hurt. Whether the pain was due to Mom’s neglect, or missing Dad, or feeling confused as I shuffled from house to house, I could always count on “stuff’ to be there for me, and help me through.
From an early age, I was a collector. First, I collected Star Wars figures. Then, I moved on to G.I. Joe figures. Finally, I got into baseball cards. The obsession with acquiring and collecting these items helped mask my true feelings of anxiety, confusion, inadequacy, and loneliness.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Every kid collects things. That’s part of being a kid; whether it’s rocks, sea shells, dolls or whatever, kids are naturally acquisitive. There’s nothing wrong with that.
But for me, it went deeper. I was collecting not for the joy of it, but to mask my pain. I learned that I could distract myself by collecting things, by organizing my collections, and by pining for the next “thing” I was going to get. Christmas was always an orgy of acquisition, as my parents tried to make up for the ways in which I was hurting by buying me things they often could not afford, and which I didn’t need. Strangely, Mom always saw fit to indulge me at Christmas (one of the rare times of year when she did), and Dad never strayed from his tendency to give me too much at the holidays.
Of course, I was blissfully unaware at the time, as I took delight in my plunder, that there was anything wrong with it. Little did I know that I was being set up for future misery, as my debting as an adult would lead to many of the emotional and interpersonal problems I currently face.
The bottom line is that I thought I just “had to” have these things. I wasn’t taught to save. I wasn’t taught to be prudent with money. I came to believe that buying eases pain. I was also taught by my parents that, if you want something bad enough, you should have it, whether you can afford it or not.
When it came to material goods, I was rarely told “no,” at least by my dad, and I think, as a result, I didn’t learn how to say “no” to myself. And then, as an adult, I ended up debting myself into oblivion.
As a culture, we’re definitely wired to feel better after we buy stuff, and as a child, I was no exception. If anything, I was worse off than most, because I was so lonely and isolated as a kid. Feeling a bit down? Cha-ching! Take your pain away with the POP! Buy, buy, buy. Retail therapy. I’m wise to this pattern now, but it doesn’t make it any easier to abstain when I really feel bad, and really want something.
Tonight is the kind of night when I could easily get in trouble. My wife is out at a movie, my son is asleep, and the Internet connection is working fine. It’s the perfect storm. What any addict needs is access to his or her drug (which I have in the form of the computer and a debit card), and the time and social situation to use (I have the time, and am alone – it’s perfect). I could easily hop on eBay, and away I would go. So, I need to do something, ANYTHING, else. Put in a movie, meditate, write, watch T.V., read a book, call friends on the phone. The key is just to not make matters worse by acting out.
This is what we call short-term pain, long-term gain. I could debt like crazy tonight, but the thrill would vanish as soon as I was finished. It would only get worse when I had to go to my debting self-help group tomorrow, and report what I had done. It would certainly get a lot worse when the expenditure posted to our checking account, and I had to explain to my wife what I’d done.
On the other hand, if I can tolerate the feelings, they will pass. I need to focus on not debting, and just get through tonight. I just need to stay away from the POP.
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