NOVEMBER 23

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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I picked up my dad at the airport tonight. I bought him dinner downtown, which felt good, because the money was there to do it. As a pauper, I tend to assume my dad will just pay for things; it’s nice to be able to pick up the tab, for once.

I picked up a tab last weekend, too, when my wife and I went out with her brother and his family. My brother-in-law is a successful attorney, and his wife is a nurse practitioner. They’re quite a bit more solvent then we are, and they tend to pick up the tab when we go out. But they had just bought us museum tickets, so when we went out afterward, I wanted us to treat them. My sister-in-law was surprised; her comment, half-joking, was, “That’s not allowed!” But it is allowed, and as I continue to go down this path of abundance and recovery, it will be allowed more and more of the time.

The problem I used to have was paying for things I didn’t have money for. I bought so many lunches and dinners for people on credit that it’s staggering just to think about it. In retrospect, I think I was afraid that they wouldn’t like me, or would somehow reject me, if I didn’t pay. Particularly when I was in private practice and trolling for referrals, I thought people would be more likely to refer to me if I had bought them lunch. I felt I owed them something, because they agreed to meet with me, so I borrowed in order to buy for them. Then, I thought, they would owe me something, and would send me referrals. The logic somehow made sense at the time.

While sometimes buying lunch may have helped me get referrals, I think it was more important that I be genuine, which, back then, I really wasn’t. Looking back on it now, I see that I shot myself in the foot in a funny way. I paid, and imagined people owed me because I paid; and yet, I probably would have gotten more referrals if I had just been myself.

On the flipside, I went through a phase, when I first got into recovery from my addiction and cut up my credit cards, when I hardly ever bought anything for anybody. That didn’t work too well, either, because people felt taken advantage of, and my self-esteem suffered because I was being a pauper. I’m finally figuring out how to strike a balance. I don’t have to be grandiose, and debt; nor do I have to be a pauper, and expect someone else to pick up the tab. It’s actually fine, and even important, for me to pay, provided I have the money to do so. It sounds so simple, but for a debtor, it’s so complex. It’s embarrassing, actually, that it’s so complex for me. I’m glad I’m finally figuring it out, even if it hurts to do so.