November 10

NOTE: This blog contains excerpts from Give Me Some Credit, available on Lulu.com

It looks like there may be some hope on the Dana Building front. Katherine is very interested in the space, and it looks like she may take the lease over. If she does, it will be a big load off my mind. No more haggling with the Ladies, and no more accruing more debt, on top of the money I already owe them.

I’ve decided for sure that I will pay what I owe them right now, regardless of whether Kathleen takes the office or not. That’s what I feel guided to do, and it feels right. I do think Kathleen is going to take it, and that would be great, since I’d have no future liability. Still, though, I think paying them is the right thing to do. It gives me a sense of peace, when I think about it.

A short digression is in order here, on the topic of repaying debt. We debtors tend to pay more than we can or should to our creditors, depriving ourselves in the process. This is definitely something I’m worried about in this case. If I pay them the $3,738 which I currently owe, I’m giving up a good chuck of money from my inheritance which, ostensibly, I could use for other things. I could get my wife something nice, go on vacation, take my son to a World Series game, pay off my car, sock the money away for a rainy day, or all of the above.

In my debting self-help group, I’ve heard an instruction that one should not deprive oneself for the sake of one’s creditors. Money should not be spent compulsively, but it can, and should, be spent on ourselves and those we care about. In recovery, we should still have fun with money; we just shouldn’t be debting to do it. As long as we’re not getting overextended, we shouldn’t be paupers. In short, we should enjoy ourselves, as long as we’re not using plastic to do it.

Overpaying creditors can interfere with one’s ability to do that. The instruction, then, is to set up payment plans based not on fear, panic, or what the creditors want. Instead, the idea is to set up plans based on paying what we can without depriving ourselves. One of the hardest things for me when I first started the recovery process was that the fear and panic I had around my debt was not helping me. I had a hard time accepting the instruction to only pay what I was able to. “But I’ll ruin my credit!” I thought, as if it wasn’t in the toilet already.

However, I’ve found this advice to be more than sound. Sure, I’d rather not pay $470 / month to Consumer Credit Counseling, which they distribute to five credit card companies. However, there are times I want to send a lot more, and deprive myself in the process, because I feel so stressed, ashamed, or guilty about how much I owe. I realize, however, that the way to dig myself out is to pay that $470, steadily, every month. It will take time if I do it this way, but it will happen, and hopefully I will not lose my mind in the meantime.

This is all to say, it doesn’t make sense, according to these principles, to pay this much money to the Dana owners. It leaves me without much remaining for myself and my family. It puts a financial strain on us. According to the principles, it would be better to pay them off slowly, as we are able. However, there are mitigating circumstances, which the principles do allow for.

One is that I actually have the money to pay them. If I didn’t, I would have to have a payment plan, but I do actually have the money, for once. And the reality is that the ladies have threatened to sue me if I keep messing around. I have intentionally not paid them up to this point, because I didn’t know if I would need the money for American Express, and I didn’t know how much money, in total, I was going to owe them. I always have intended to pay them, but I have strung this out for five months, and they are justifiably upset, at this point.

If I’m really honest with myself, I probably have also withheld the money as a way to get them to settle. I’ve been trying to make them hurt, so they’d be more willing to play ball. It hurts me to be that honest about it, because I don’t think of myself as being that dastardly. But it’s true; I’ve been a bit manipulative. I want to stop doing that, and get back in my integrity. That’s another reason to go ahead and pay them.

Of course, I don’t want a judgment against me, because I don’t want my paycheck levied, and I don’t want yet another bruise to my credit report (which is in the gutter, but doesn’t need any more abuse heaped upon it). For all these logistical reasons, it makes sense to just pay them, and be rid of these headaches.

There are other reasons to pay them, too, that are less tangible. From an emotional standpoint, my debt to the Dana Building weighs heavy on my heart, much heavier than any of my other debts. These women were my colleagues, and I worked with them and around them for two years. They sent me referrals, helped me establish myself as a therapist in Boulder, and helped me build the confidence I needed to get prestigious jobs once I got to Portland. They are good people, and have always wished the best for me, despite the tensions we had when I was there.

Granted, they took on a liability in choosing to buy this building and lease the offices out, and they’re building a huge amount of equity as time goes by, so I don’t feel totally horrible about what’s happening. This hassle with me is part of the risk involved in real estate, and one of the reasons not everyone does it. Still, I know these people personally, and they have neither the vast resources, nor the heartless intentions, of the credit card companies. My lack of payment, in this case, is having a direct negative impact on the lives of people I care about. Therefore, it’s costing me more psychically to have this debt than it costs to have others, and it’s become a spiritual priority to pay them back.

Hopefully, by the end of this week, Kathleen will have agreed to take over the lease. But regardless of what Kathleen does, there will be a check on its way to Susan and her colleagues. I’m ready to be vindicated here. I’m ready to put my energy into other things.