November 3

GIVE ME SOME CREDIT is not available for purchase at Lulu.com!!!

I don’t really know who or what God is, or how He works the world. For many years, I wasn’t even sure if I believed in God. But today, I do believe in a subtle, powerful, life-giving intelligence that pervades all of our lives, a Higher Power, and I choose to call that Higher Power “God.” Some refer to God as “the small, still voice” that guides us when we listen for it. That’s the God I’m talking about. That’s the God who encourages me to be honest, without selling myself short. That’s the God who performed a miracle yesterday.

Everyone feels differently about God, and I’m not trying to convert anyone to my point of view. However, I know that I can’t leave God out of my journey of healing from debt. For me, God is the voice of my higher intelligence, my intuition, and my highest good. God is the part of me that is honest, kind, loving, and good. It is this energy with which I approached my conversation with Mr. Delaney yesterday, and the power I choose to call God granted me a miracle. I know I did not do it alone.

The way I used to be, trying to change the course of the river, trying to force things to go my way, only got me in debt and miserable. It’s God’s way that is making me whole again. I’m not saying you have to believe in God, or anything else, for that matter, to recover from compulsive debting. However, I do believe that you have to be willing to let go of your ego and self-will, and for me, developing a relationship with God is the best way to make that happen.

To recover from this illness, you have to be willing to stop being so stubborn, let go of trying to impress everyone, stop being a bully, and stop hiding your emotions. You have to be willing to stick up for yourself, without being defensive. You have to learn how to be balanced. It’s a whole new way of life, which involves a lot of humility, and a lot of letting go.

I’m learning that my old way of being, which mostly consisted of trying to get away with things, doesn’t help me get what I want in my life. It also doesn’t work for me to martyr myself, giving away more than I can afford to (financially or energetically). Instead, I have to find a balance. I have to be willing to be open and honest, without sacrificing myself or my values. I’m learning to be not just a recovering debtor, but a whole person. The other day, if I’d been stubborn, or angry, or bullying, Brad Delaney wouldn’t have wanted to help me. He would not have gone to bat for me, if I’d been a jerk to him. I’m learning how to be honest and truthful, and how to let people help me.

Things are settling down, since I got resolved with JD and American Express. The peace and contentment I have over that situation is spilling over into the Dana Building front, and I’m having some clarity on that situation.

Because American Express ultimately did settle for 50 percent, I have a little breathing room, and I’m now inclined to pay the Dana Ladies what I owe them to date, and keep looking for a new tenant. I think that makes more sense than trying to settle. They still want $16,000 to do so, and I just don’t think that would be reasonable, even if I had the money. I would rather take my chances that a new tenant will show up, than commit to giving them that much money (which I don’t have right now, anyway). Of course, the risk I take there is that a new balance will accrue, which I can’t pay, and they’ll sue me. But they’re going to sue me, anyway, if I keep on not paying. Since we can’t find a good buyout amount, and we’re pretty far apart right now, I think I’ll just send a peace offering.

Even though it’s a leap of faith, I think this is the best thing I can do. I sense that coming current with them may somehow energetically open some space for someone new to take over the lease. I also feel bad that I’m hurting my former colleagues by withholding the money. Even though it’s at 0 percent APR, there’s a psychic interest attached to the debt, and it’s taking a toll on me. It hurts me to be hurting them, because I know them. Even though we never had the best relationship, I care about all of them personally, and I respect the work they’re doing. They’re not nameless and faceless, like the credit card companies. They actually mean much more to me, and spiritually I need to not be indebted to them. So, I’ll mail them a check, and see what happens next.