November 17

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As I’ve mentioned, there are many forms of debting. Money debting is the most obvious. There’s also “time debting,” which includes not allowing enough time to accomplish tasks, getting lost in work, losing track of commitments, or constantly running late. There’s also “self-debting,” in which you don’t take care of yourself, putting others’ needs first to such a degree that you end up physically, emotionally, and spiritually indebted.

I’m a debtor in all three ways. Obviously, I’m a money debtor, as my $81,000 of combined school loans and consumer debt will attest to. I’m also a time debtor. I have a mild to moderate case of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), and it’s challenging for me to stay focused and complete tasks on time. I have to make sure I allow more time than I think I’ll need for a project or activity, because my estimations are never quite right. Just like with money, I tend to spend time I don’t really have on various projects, and, also like with money, I underestimate how much time I’ll need (just like I underestimate how much things will cost).

I’m also a self debtor. I tend to not take care of myself, and not be clear about my needs, and this gets me in a lot of trouble. Self debtors almost always become money debtors. When we self-debt, we end up feeling deprived, and this will often cause us to debt with money in order to satiate our need to feel okay about ourselves. If I give too much of myself away, it is hard to feel relaxed, content, and joyous. Then, if I feel tight, stressed, and emotionally thin, it’s much easier to justify taking myself out to dinner, or overspending in some other way, because I “need” it. Or, if I’ve burned myself out, I might want to charge a trip or a shopping spree, because I’ve “earned” it. Overall, not taking care of myself is a recipe for disaster; it virtually guarantees that I will act out with money. In short, self debting = money debting, about 99 percent of the time.

One such area in which I haven’t taken care of myself, and have gotten into a pattern of self-debting, is my marriage. Things with my wife have been stressful for both of us. This is, in part, because my boundaries have been bad. I’ve self-debted consistently, not making it clear when I needed to say “no” about various things. My wife and I have discussed getting a divorce, because neither of us the struggles we’ve had. Of course, this is not a very appealing thought, but neither is being unhappily married, which at times we definitely are.

The thing is, I need to work on my pattern of self-debting, whether we stay together or not. Dealing with this issue may or may not save our marriage, but it will certainly save my sanity. And there’s no question that, even if we did get divorced, my self-debting would doom any future relationship I would try to undertake, if I don’t address it now.

So, I need to start dealing with this. If we stay together, it will help us succeed in our marriage. If we don’t, it will help me succeed in a future relationship. Either way, it will help my relationship with myself, and more and more, I see that relationship as the one that is most crucial to my recovery.