November 19

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The Dana Building situation is resolved. I received a letter today from Susan’s colleague, Betty, which stated that I have fulfilled my obligations, and am released from my lease.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so relieved. This has been eating at me for five months. Accruing $946 per month in new debt, with no end in sight, was incredibly stressful. The threat of a lawsuit was also incredibly stressful. And, perhaps most stressful of all, I was out of integrity with my former colleagues, whom I like and respect. That aspect was really, really stressful for me.

So, now it’s done. I need to send Linda her big check, and then I’ll owe her $123 per month for the next six months. I am, of course, reluctant to pay this; it’s another expense on an already tight budget. However, it’s a much better deal than $946 per month, and it’s only for six months; there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m out of the vagueness of the debt being ongoing and unresolved. I have a definitive amount to pay, and a plan for paying it. Most importantly, I’m not accruing any new debt, in the meantime. Day by day, I’m slowly digging myself out of this mess.

Not only that, but I’m feeling good about myself. I wish I had more money, and I wish I had less debt; both of these feelings bother me on a daily basis. However, beneath the chattering of these thoughts and feelings, a peace and calm is emerging. I feel that I will be prosperous. I feel that I will have more abundance than I can possibly fathom. I truly feel that my cup will, one day, run over with more bounty than I can even comprehend.

Why is this happening? Because I’m learning to live in a new way. I’m learning how to take care of myself, and live with integrity. This, in turn, causes God and other people to want to bless me. Integrity is a rare attribute in people these days, and when I was debting, I wasn’t walking in integrity. Today, I’m doing so, and I know it’s going to pay huge dividends for me later in life.

I’ve noticed this integrity piece plays a big role in my relationship with my wife. When I try to hide the truth from her, whether it’s about money, debt, or simply how I’m feeling, it always backfires. We’ve been getting along exceptionally well the last few days, and I’m sure it’s due in large part to the fact that I’ve been unfailingly honest with her. This is so simple, but it’s much, much harder than it sounds. I’ve been conditioned my whole life to B.S. people, and I have gotten away with it. I’m a charming person, to a fault; it probably would have been better for me to have not gotten away with as much as I have. My charm is part of what helped me convince people to lend me close to $110,000. Who wouldn’t trust such a nice, charming young man? Who wouldn’t want to help him out?

But what did all my charm and B.S. get me? It left me financially ruined, emotionally bereft, and spiritually bankrupt. Only honesty, with myself, my wife, my boss, my family, and my friends will get me out of all the messes I’ve created. Anything less will land me right back where I was, and I am no longer willing to accept that. I’m no longer willing to accept a half-lived life, full of material goods, instant gratification, and material “sensation,” but lacking any real substance. It’s time for something more.

I want to be a good example for my son. I want to be prosperous and abundant. I want to be reliable. I want to be trustworthy. I want to be generous. I want to share with others, while maintaining appropriate boundaries. I want to take care of myself, and not give away what I do not have, in the forms of time, money, or energy. I want to stay connected to “the small, still voice” of God, noted by many spiritual teachers to be the voice which is always with us, when we slow down and turn off the running commentary of the ego long enough to hear it. I want to be a good man, a good therapist, a good husband, and a good father. I want my marriage to work. I want my life to work. Most of all, I want these words to help people; I want my life to mean something; and I want the suffering I have endured as a chronic, hopeless debtor, and the subsequent miracles I’ve experienced, to inspire other debtors to know they can turn their lives around, too.