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Despite all the insight I’ve had in the last few days, I’m afraid it might all have been too little, too late. The damage that was done before I had all these insights took a huge toll, and my wife and I have decided to take some time apart.
Our problems have finally come to a head, and it looks like it may be too late to right the ship. I haven’t mentioned a lot about our problems before, because I was so preoccupied with the American Express and Dana Building situations. But while I’ve been waging war on these two fronts, my marriage has been slowly eroding. The stress I’ve felt has not only been felt by me; my wife has felt it, too, and the toll it’s taken on our both of us has left us in a very tough position.
Addicts get triggered when they’re under stress, and want to use their drug. This is no exception. As you can imagine, I’m as triggered as I have been for a long time, and I want to spend, spend, spend.
What’s triggering me? A lot of self-destructive thinking. Thoughts like this: “I can’t believe what a loser I am.” As a therapist, I help people succeed in their marriages. That’s how I make my living! How can I be on the brink of separation from my wife? I’m really, really down on myself right now. I just feel like it’s all my fault.
Why do I feel this way? Well, for one thing, a major reason for the tension in the marriage is debt, and most of it is mine. The debt causes us both a lot of stress. If we didn’t have so much debt, we would have more access to the money we earn, $678 of which goes to debt repayment every month.
Also, not too long ago, we had $20,000 in the bank after I received my inheritance. Now it’s gone, every penny of it, and all we have left is $450 in a savings account. Can you believe that? I can’t.
Where did it all go? Again, I think things like, “I’m such a loser. If I hadn’t had all that debt to service, we’d still have a lot of that money on hand. We spent $15,000 of it on servicing debt. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing. What a waste.”
Granted, I’ve avoided a judgment against me by American Express, and I’m not having my pay docked. The Dana Ladies did not sue me, and I restored my integrity with them. I didn’t have to pay any legal fees, and I’ve resolved tens of thousands of dollars in potential debt with my inheritance. When you consider that American Express settled for half of what I owed, and the Dana Building could potentially have been a $36,000+ problem, I really dodged some bullets. So I guess I do have something to show for it, if only some dodged bullets, and some hard lessons learned. But we don’t have true financial relief on a day-to-day basis, which is what we really need.
I’m sure we’re not alone in this. In a book I’m reading about debt, I read that “money problems are…a big threat to relationships”[i] for many Americans. I’ve heard that money is one of the top three things couples fight about. I wonder if it’s also one of the top three things they divorce over. I’m sure it must be. What else could be in the top three? Infidelity, I suppose, but what else? Abuse? I don’t know.
All I do know is that this stinks. I don’t want to separate, but we’re just in this horrible, seemingly intractable place, and we neither of knows how to get out. Even couples’ therapy hasn’t helped. It’s just made things worse, because now we know how bad things are, and we can’t seem to get anywhere good.
Of course, it goes without saying, I don’t want to lose my wife, and I’m scared at the prospect of not being around my son, if we split up. I missed my father terribly when I was a kid. If it gets to the point where my wife and I throw in the towel, I’ll want to see my son multiple times per week, and be an important part of his life. I know my wife will support this. Still, it would be very hard for me not to see him every day, and not to have him under the same roof every night. I feel like such a failure, when I even think about that, and it’s triggering. I want to get away from that feeling by going and buying things, like clothes, music, and expensive food. I want to escape.
Of course, beyond all these feelings, I’m just heartbroken at the prospect of losing my wife. I really do love her, even if we’re not on very good terms at the moment. I want things to work out. I know we’re up against a lot, between our financial stress, a small child to care for, and all the rain here in Portland, which is having a much worse effect on both of us than we thought it would. I know I still love her, and I know she still loves me, too. So can’t we work it out? I don’t know. I just feel like we’re at a total impasse, and there’s nowhere to go from here. I don’t want either of us to be miserable, and I don’t want our misery to trickle down to our son, which of course it will, eventually, if we don’t do something about it.
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