DECEMBER 7

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The bottom line is that I haven’t been clear about what I really want and need. Self-debting takes many forms, but the main one it takes for me is acting happy when I’m not. It’s not that I’m acting, or lying, per se; it’s more that I’m not in touch with how I feel, and so I’m not able to communicate it. I could be angry, tired, or sad, and my wife would never know, because I don’t show it. I’m a chameleon, and it’s hard to be married to one of those.

Growing up as I did, with a mentally ill addict, life was unpredictable. To survive, I had to learn how to blend in. That’s what kept me alive, but now, it’s killing me. I’m disconnected from my partner, and I don’t know how to be open with how I’m feeling. When I really think about it, I guess I’m afraid that I’ll be rejected if I show my true moods and feelings to my wife. I think I’ve designed my part of the relationship around doing behaviors that I think will keep me accepted, protected, and loved, but it’s backfiring, because I’m not being real.

This is what got me in trouble with financial debting, too. The basic M.O. was: Spend money to feel good. Don’t risk disappointing people. Don’t run the risk of not spending money on them and with them. Don’t be on a budget; it’s too constrictive! In a nutshell: Don’t have any boundaries or limits with money.

In the same way I got into so much trouble with my money, I’m now in big trouble with my energy. Just like with my money when I was debting, I give my energy away, even when I don’t have it to give. I have a hard time saying “no.” And so, I’m left with an over-expenditure of energy, and I feel drained in mind, body, and spirit. Basically, I’m out of touch with reality, just like I used to be with money, because I’m giving more than I have to give, and pretending there are no consequences to that.

The marriage has been hard for me, mostly because of my self-debting. I know it’s been hard for my wife, too, and I know it’s got to change. It’s going to bury us if it doesn’t change. We can’t keep the marriage going based on my self-debting (or any kind of debting). It needs to be based on honesty, and if it can’t be, then we need to re-assess whether it can keep going or not.