December 8

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When I really think about it, I was raised to be a debtor from the day I was born. I was taught to give, even if I had nothing to give. My mom seemed to need that from me. I was the “golden boy,” the one who was supposed to rescue her, the one ordained to take away her pain. I’ve heard that the comedian Jim Carrey honed his early skills as a comic by trying to cheer up his mother, who suffered from depression. I was the same way. I learned to be charismatic, charming, witty, and funny for my mom. I did it because I loved her, and wanted to keep her alive, and make her happy, both for her sake, and for my own survival.

I still have these qualities. When I put my mind to it, I can keep up with just about anyone, and I can win over just about anyone. I don’t say this to brag; it’s just true. I’m a charmer, for better or for worse. My charm is a blessing, and a curse. It helps me in my work, as I can win over even the most resistant client in therapy. It has always helped me with the ladies; since high school I’ve rarely been without a girlfriend. It helps me with friends; I’m blessed with an abundance of them. Bottom line, I’m good at making other people feel good, and this has helped me to be very successful in many ways.

The problem is that my charm creates as many problems as it does benefits. I like to think of myself as a genuine person, but I must admit that my charm can be a mask. I use it to hide my true feelings, and keep other people at arm’s length, often without even realizing I’m doing it. I’ve been told I can be hard to read, and I believe it. I’ve made an art of being hard to read; that’s how I survived the insanity of my childhood. And the miserable truth is, I’m doing the same thing today with my wife and son.

Just as I don’t think most people I know have any idea how much debt I have, or how my money problems have nearly ruined my life, I don’t think anyone has any idea how unhappy I am at home. Like my money problems, I hide my marital problems well; probably too well. I know from experience that people feel closer to me, trust me more, and want to do good things for me, when I am more open with them. There’s a direct correlation between my honesty, and my success in life. I know I need to be more real. The problem is, I don’t know how, yet. I’ll need to learn the skills of honesty and openness, just as I learned the skills of humor and charm, if I’m to save my marriage.

Of course, being charming, and faking my way through life, has its merits at times. Being totally honest at work, for example, is not such a good idea. There have been many co-workers, over the years, whom I’ve wanted to tell off. I’ve held my tongue, and this has been a good thing; radical honesty is usually not helpful when you’re upset with a colleague.

You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, so in many situations, it’s best to go ahead and be charming, and not show 100 percent of how I’m feeling. The problem is that I don’t know how to turn it off. I know how to get high by charging things on credit, and being vague with money, and not showing my true feelings, but I don’t know how to be real. I only know how to fake my way through. My culture supports me to do it; our culture is full of fakes, and is built on style, rather than substance. I’m good at being a B.S. artist. And again, there are times and places when that’s appropriate. It’s just that my marriage is not one of them. Being fake is costing me my marriage, so what do I have to lose by being real, even if it’s scary for me?

Of course, I only take these kinds of actions when my back is against the wall. I only act when I have “nothing to lose.” I think this is the debtors’ curse: to only act when our very survival is at stake. Our disease keeps us complacent, and we only change when the pain we face if we don’t change is greater than the payoff we get from staying the same. Even then, many of us don’t change. We get too much out of being sick. We get to feel sorry for ourselves. We get to feel like victims, and avoid responsibility. It’s not a good life, living that way, but many of us choose it, because we are afraid to let it go.

I’m ready to change, though. I realize that it’s time to let myself be who I am, and let the chips fall where they may. I’m tired of trying to control everything, and be Mr. Charming 24/7. All that’s done is gotten me is into debt with time, money, and myself, and it’s got to change. I’m tired of trying to control what others think of me. It’s become too painful, and I’m ready to let it go. I’m ready to turn over other peoples’ perceptions. It’s certainly not doing me any good trying to control them.

So God, whoever You are, wherever You are, I offer You my self-debting. I offer you my inability to be honest with myself, and my wife. I offer you my need to control everything. I offer you my inability to know how I’m feeling, and express it. I offer you the notion that I alone know best. My wrong thinking has brought me to the edge of ruin, and I know I need to give it all to You before it’s too late.

Please restore my marriage. Please let me be real with my wife. Please perform a miracle in my marriage, just as you did with American Express, and the Dana Building. Please deliver me, not only from the pain of money-debting and time-debting, but also the deeper pain of self-debting. Thank You for healing my childhood pain, and helping me to become a man I can be proud to be.