October 31

PLEASE NOTE:

This entry is part of a book you can purchase at givemesomecredit.org.

All the situations below were resolved fully, but this is how I was feeling at the time...

It’s been a rough couple of days. I’ve had a lot of communication with my two main creditors. The first is American Express. The second is the Dana Building, the source of my other potential lawsuit.

I’m sure you’re wondering what’s going on with American Express, but I’ll get to them in a moment. I need to start with the Dana Building, because explaining what’s going on with them will help contextualize the situation with American Express.

Dana is a psychotherapy office building in Colorado. Before my wife and I moved to Portland, I had a private psychotherapy practice there. The psychotherapy market in that town is very competitive. My office was in Dana, a very exclusive building, where I got to feel like a big shot but was paying way too much money in rent. I was rubbing elbows with established, tenured therapists (to give you an idea, the woman in the office across the hall from me had written two books and been on Oprah), and had a prestigious address. Over time, my practice did well, although I was so deep in debt by the time it took off that I barely saw any profit.

I got into trouble with the Dana Building by engaging in what I call vagueness. Vagueness is characterized by ambiguity, indecision, and elusiveness. As any good debtor will tell you, vagueness rules our financial worlds. We don’t dwell on details. We don’t know exact figures, numbers, or expectations. We’re not good planners. We’re risk takers, impulsively flying by the seats of our pants. We don’t sit down and consider the implications of things. We throw money at problems, and sweep worries under the rug. Basically, we don’t like to deal with reality.

So, when the opportunity arose to grab an office in the Dana Building, I didn’t hesitate before signing a five-year lease. Then, when we had the chance to move to Portland so my wife could take her dream job and we could be close to family when our son was born, I didn’t let it trouble me too much that I had four years left on my lease. “It will work out,” I told myself. “Someone will come along to take over the lease.”

And someone did. A colleague of mine took the office for a year, with the intention of taking the lease for the remaining time. But the office proved too expensive for her, and she declined to take over the lease. So, as of May of this year, there were three years remaining, and I suddenly found myself living thousands of miles away, on the hook for the remaining time.

Even after numerous mailings, email blasts, and phone calls to dozens of therapists in Boulder, the office sits vacant. It costs just under $1000 a month, which I don’t have the ability to pay. I could barely afford it when I lived in Boulder and practiced there, let alone now. I suppose I could pay some of it out of my inheritance (which is down to about $15,000), but I’m going to use some of that to settle with American Express, and I don’t want to let it all drip away.

I’ve chosen not to pay my rent at the Dana Building for the moment, and a balance is rapidly mounting. I don’t know if this is the right choice or not, but I don’t want to get bled by throwing $1,000 down the tubes every month. Technically I’m in violation of my lease, but I just keep hoping someone will come along and take the problem off my hands.

After you factor in the loss of my security deposit, I owe just under $4,000 right now, with no relief in sight. I’ve offered them $5,000 to let me out of the lease outright; I think that would be a good way to use a chunk of the inheritance. I’d hate to spend that money, but if it would buy me out of this problem, I’d do it.

But they won’t take it. They want $16,000 to let me out, which, to me, seems like a bit much. That office will be filled well before 16 months are up, and it’s ridiculous to ask me to assume that much risk. I’m sure my offer of $5,000 seems equally ridiculous to them. I guess that’s how these things go.

Even as I write these words, I see the insanity of being a debtor. I still remember the day I signed that lease. I was so proud of myself. I felt like such a winner! Looking back, I was just a young fool. My debting disease was in full swing, by that point. I felt like the cat who swallowed the canary, but really, I was the canary being swallowed. I just didn’t know it yet.

What was I thinking, signing that lease? And what was I thinking, moving away when I was still responsible for it? How could I have just walked away from it, “hoping for the best?” I had good reasons to move to Portland, but really…what was I thinking?

Even though I’m so frustrated with myself over this, at the same time, I’m very frustrated with the landladies, too. “The Dana Ladies” (as I call them) are three therapists who own the building, and practice there. I got along okay with them when I practiced there. I especially liked the woman who’d been on Oprah. Still, I always felt out of place there; the male therapist in his 20’s, the hotshot, surrounded by female therapists in their 50’s, the old guard. It was always a courteous, but somewhat terse relationship. Suffice to say it has soured in recent months, as I’ve reneged on my end of the deal, which has put them on somewhat shaky ground financially.

The Dana owners have been shaming me and implying that I’m irresponsible (which I have been), and trying to make me feel bad (which is working). However, on a practical level, they also have not done all they could do to help rent the space out. For example, they won’t allow me to put a “for rent” sign out front, saying that it goes against the aesthetic of the place and would “damage confidentiality” for their clients. They’re basically handcuffing me by doing that, and I resent it. I’m torn between hating myself, and hating them, which is not a good place to be (unfortunately, it’s exactly the place a debtor often finds himself with regard to himself, and his creditors).

I’ve realized I’m going to have to get a lawyer to help me with this. I’ve done more than due diligence to get the space rented, and the ladies refuse to let me post a sign, or list it with a commercial realtor (who would want to put a sign up). They say that a sign would take away from the “feel” of the building, which is a crock, if you ask me. They’re denying a decent buyout amount, and we’ve gone round and round enough times that I think it’s time to call in some reinforcements.

Of course, I’m scared they will sue me, and I’ll end up owing $36,000 or more (the full amount due on the lease, plus legal fees). Like American Express, they could dock my pay, take my car, what have you. Thank God I don’t own my house. At least I don’t have to worry about them taking that.

I have to remember, though, that they can’t take my son, or my wife, or my friends, or my faith. They can’t take my future, which, despite all that I’m going through, is still bright. They can’t take my hope.

All that being said, it still stinks. I wish I hadn’t ever signed that lease. I can’t torture myself too much time for actions I took two and a half years ago, when I was in a very different state of mind. But it’s really, really hard not to. I’m angry with myself about it, because I don’t want to be spending my time and energy on this, and I certainly don’t want to be spending what little money I have on it.

So, that’s the deal with the Dana Building. In other news, JD Services is saying they could take as little as $11,500 to settle on my American Express debt, which has now grown, with fees and interest, to $16,500. I could pay that $11,500, but it would leave very little money left over with which to deal with the Dana situation.

So, you see my dilemma. I’m between a rock and a hard place. I could get American Express off my back, but then I’d be at the mercy of the Dana Ladies. By the same token, I could get them off my back, but then the American Express Gestapo might come to get me. I jest, but it’s really, REALLY stressful. I don’t think I’ve ever been this stressed, about anything. To be honest, it’s hard just to get through the day.

At this point, I’m not even thinking about savings or trips with my family, or spoiling my wife, or any of the other things I want to use this money for. I have $15,000 in the bank, more than I’ve ever had, and yet, I’ve never felt poorer. I owe every cent I have, and much, much more, and I’m trying to figure out how to disburse it in a way that will kill both these birds with one stone, which may prove to be impossible. I may only kill one of the birds, and the other bird may swoop down and sue me, and leave my entrails (and my paycheck) strewn on the desert floor.

This is a horrible way to live, and to be honest, I can’t take much more.